My ramblings...
Friday, 02 October 2009
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Currently
The Very Best Of Fleetwood Mac (2CD)
By Fleetwood Mac
Dreams
see relatedWhere to begin?
Let's just start with the great. Everything seems to be falling into place. I think I expected it not to since my relationship with God has been very lacking the past few months. Which made me rethink a lot of things I believed and thought about my relationship with Him. I've been fear driven for much too long. Fear that I am doing it wrong. Or fear that I can't ever get it right.
I've decided to be done with that thinking. I'm to such a point where I don't know what else to do except take a step back for now. God hasn't shown me much (good or bad) lately.
Oops, was going to talk about the great :)
I am moving back into the city for GOOD. The end of October my contract with National Theatre of the Deaf will be finished (well kinda...I turned in my resignation letter) and I will be back in the city to pursue more of my acting and combat. I just auditioned for something callled "Fight Fest" and it's going to kick ASS. It's an all-fighting festival and the show I auditioned for is about very combat driven women. I hope to get it.
Another great...I have a FREE apartment to live in until January! A friend's landlord is leaving town and needs someone to watch her house and dog while she is away. So, on top of having a DOG (yay!) I also get free cable, washer and dryer and a garage to park my car. HOW AWESOME. This was the hand of the Lord...and I thanked Him.
However, some things aren't going to well. My sister is making some decisions in her life that really worry me. Marrying some guy who tattooed her name on him arm...hmmm, makes me nervous. She's 18....in November. And I feel so far away to make any difference in her decision. I adore her, more now than ever, and I want the best for her. Bleh.
The boy department hasn't been too great for me either, but then again it never is. Being single is great for a while, but I've decided that I'm not meant to be single. Or maybe I'm just convincing myself that I'm not to make up for the fact that I can never say NO to being single. Probably the later...
Now onto a boy bash...enjoy:
What I don't understand: men who think it is ok to lead women on. Isn't this the number one question ever asked? I feel like it is...and I feel like I've been asking it for seven months now. Why can't men just say, "Eh, you know I'm not feeling this anymore. I'm sorry. Let's talk about what's next." Instead of, "No I really like you...I'll tell you if that ever changes." Then you don't hear from them for weeks until they are ready to see you.
Their terms...always their terms.
Or...this is a good one..."I've never felt this way about anyone else." Bull...especially when all you talk about is your ex or the other ex who got married and broke your heart for forever. Don't tell me about that. I don't want to know that...nor does ANY girl you could potentially date.
Don't tell me I "can trust" you, and then when I do, you seem surprised by how much I put into the relationship. I am a person built to love and built to take care of others. I'm not here to just mess around or 'kinda date' for an extended period of time. I'm looking for more than that. If you don't want it, don't date me.
I forgot until recently how easy it is to stay in something that is less than great. Something that you keep telling yourself isn't worth the hurt and frustration. Jared was the last time that happened.
I'm sorry to all the men who read this and feel attacked or compared to the assholes who are out there. If you're not in this category, stay out of it! If you know you are in it, grow up. Treat women the way they deserve to be treated. They aren't things to just discard when you're done.
"Players only love you when they're playing." Fleetwood Mac
Saturday, 15 August 2009
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Ungodly Hour
Do you know how it feels to realize when something changes so drastically in your life? That exact moment when you know it happened, and the moment of not really understanding what to do from now?
The moment when fantasy and reality kinda clash....or in another analogy....the moment when you're not that little girl any more. You're not that naive thing who believed all is well with the world.
When you ask yourself, "Who am I?"
I know who I was and who I wasn't...I know what I used to want. But now I don't know what that 'want' is anymore.
I sometimes wonder what I would do if I got that 'thing' I wanted for so long. Right now I don't want it. I want nothing to do with it. I want what I have now. I want this life, these emotions, this freedom. Is this who I have always been? Maybe everything else has been the mask...has been the sheet over my eyes.
Why are we so fragile? Why does everything have to be a pursuit or a guess or a hope that everything is going right? A hope that you aren't screwing something up? Even with God...it's not obtainable. It's never fully satisfying when it should be. Because when you feel right, it never lasts...and I KNOW that. The 'high' will fade away much faster than the darkness ever will.
I hate the feeling of striving and longing for peace the same way I strive and long to keep it when I have it...
Monday, 11 May 2009
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Currently
Coffee Shop
By Landon Pigg
see relatedFind me here...
Before I start...I wanted to say that I didn't know Lifehouse is who wrote "Everything." I adore that song.
So many things happening in life. Good things...great things.
Combat classes, auditions, connections, jobs, housing...
I went to the Renaissance Fair auditions this past weekend and while I can't do the fair this year (because I might be in Taiwan...umm what???) I had such a blast. The day was full of everything I enjoy so much. Improv, dancing, combat. If I could do that every day I would be happy. Which is what the Fair would be for the entire summer, but maybe next year :)
I have gotten back into the world of auditions for the summer. Hopefully Troilus and Cressida will call me back...ohh how ironic it would be :)
I have been blessed with a place to stay over the summer for free...the dorms I used to work for have given me a room in their NICE dorms on 85th and Broadway. They also offered me a job that will pay over the summer.
I'm changing a lot...me as 'Tarah.' Things that used to bother me don't anymore...things that I thought were wrong don't seem so anymore. It's interesting...and makes me curious.
Hmm...
"Acting is this wonderful feeling of — not escaping yourself but enlarging yourself, adding a character to yourself that's not you."
Monday, 13 April 2009
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Currently
We Started Nothing
By The Ting Tings
Be the One
see relatedLook what I got to share!!
and tell me your thoughts :) Praise Him for the desire to know Him more! Finally!Blasi's Beliefs
By Tarah Blasi
In the beginning...
I was asked a lot of questions all at once so I decided to write a book.Just kidding, but the questions asked are definitely deep and worthy of discussion. I will try my best to explain in full. As I began thinking about all of this my mind went ALL over the place so if I get on a rabbit trail just be patient with me.
The books in the Bible…to just start simply, I believe the books that are compiled now are there because it was a divine process…God chose through men the spoken word of God. Historically, all the other gospels don’t line up with Mathew, Mark, Luke and John. Trying to remember what I DO know about these books being chosen, a counsel came out and canonized the Bible saying what was written first hand and by individuals and then put them in scripture. There was very little if almost no disagreement to what should go in. It wasn’t till later that the Church of Rome wanted to put the Apocrypha on the same level as scripture.
It was all pretty unanimous about which books were believed to be actual accounts from authors who are trusted. Plus, when Christ talks, he pulls from what's in the OT and talks about the law and the prophets (major and minor) from the books that ARE there. A lot of what’s in the Apocrypha isn’t on par with scripture.
Like I said, Jesus quotes OT all the time…so He must consider it pretty awesome! He’s constantly giving lists, quoting and validated everything from OT.
I want to share something with you from a book I haven’t pulled out in a long time until now.
“It is helpful for us to learn that the Bible is historically accurate, that it is internally consistent, that is contains prophecies that have been fulfilled hundreds of years later, that it has influenced the course of human history more than any other book, that is has continued changing the lives of millions of individuals throughout its history, that through it people come to find salvation, that is has a majestic beauty and a profound depth of teaching unmatched by any other book, and that it claims hundreds of times over to be God’s very word.”
For all of this to be true, the books in the Bible are pretty amazing, and I believe them to be there for specific reason…not just randomly.
There is a children’s Bible that just came out and it’s called Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name. “Every story whispers His name.” I find that so beautiful. The Bible is about His kingdom coming to earth. It’s one huge story and we’re a part of it. The WHOLE Bible is about Him. Not just stories about Abraham or Esther, or Jesus here and there…no, it’s all about Jesus
(ok, there’s a rabbit trail!)
Now, Heaven…Hell…Purgatory. A lot is so abstract…especially in Revelation about the coming of Christ. So much of it is mentioned only in dreams and can’t be taken literally but has to be taken in context. It’s a picture. I have to admit that this is a topic I haven’t touched on a lot. Revelation is a scary book!
I do believe Heaven is a place where we will no longer feel pain or grow old or feel ill. God originally made His creation and described it as ‘very good,’ so I believe that when we do go to Heaven we will be rid of that sin that keeps us from that. We will be what God intended for us from the beginning.
I also believe Hell is a place…and to end up there would be horrible. An eternal fire (as scripture describes it) and eternal punishment…
For people who have never heard of God, or believe in different gods, I think God is big enough and amazing enough to do many great works. I believe that someone in the deepest parts of Africa can see the brilliance of the moon and realize that there is someone bigger than him out there who created such a beautiful image. I believe God works in mysterious ways and uses other beliefs to glorify Himself. There has been much I have learned (especially living in Japan) from different cultures and religions that have helped my faith grow in ways unimaginable.
Now, through all of this…all of my explanations and reasons, I’m sure it all speaks for itself why I believe in only one God. And going back to evolution, I believe this one God created everything. I believe He spoke into existence the waters, the sky, the separation between the two. I take Gen 1 very literally. God spoke everything. Creation was such a big deal!
Saturday, 21 March 2009
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Currently
We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
By Modest Mouse
Little Motel
see relatedI wanted...
to write something reflective and inspiring. But nothing is there ready to come out. There is a peace in me that is strange, and it kind of makes me sad that the only time I can write is when dramatics are in my life.
But oh the sweet sound of silence in my flesh. It's a little scary. The battle that was waging within me feels gone, but I'm afraid it's just resting there in the cave of my soul. I picture G'mork waiting for Atreyu in the movie the Neverending Story. A terrifying wolf-creature that has been hunting for so long to make his kill. A creature that explains and in no way tries to hide his intentions. That's how I picture the agony I felt in my soul...just waiting like G'mork did, ready to attack me at any moment of weakness.
Maybe it's just this strange feeling of finally being content. Of finally having doors closed while others are opening. I've just really felt so happy the past few days. Let's not ruin it, shall we?
Monday, 16 March 2009
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Currently
Simple Times
By Joshua Radin
I'd Rather Be With You
see relatedBad Days Better
For the past week I have seen and felt such peace. Finally
...really, I am smiling.
I went to Redeemer today and it was really simple...not the message, but the feeling I left with. My soul was quiet, and still and attentive. Much better than last Sunday.
"Fear cannot awaken love. Love can only awaken love." Tim Keller
"The state we find ourselves in is sinful...quite independent of guilt. " Franz Kafka
Tim spoke today about the blood of Christ and how we need that redemption (to buy us back; to liberate through purchase.) We need someone of the same flesh and blood; someone who takes on our debt. A Goel (a redeemer)
Lord, with YOUR blood you paid the debt for justification [free from guilt or penalty of sin.]
"For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith and His blood. He did this to demonstrate His justice..." Romans 3:23-25
In the book of Ruth, she presents herself to Boaz asking him to cover her with his robe...to be a Christian means saying "Cover me with Your robe, Lord. Take me to You. Marry me and enslave me to You."
Very great stuff...if you can listen to it you definitely should. Time Keller Through the Blood of Jesus Christ.
I'm still hesitant towards God. When I am with people and religion and God comes up in conversation, I am very much about "how can I glorify Him in this..." but by myself I am still having a hard time coming to Him. Leaning on Him. I think the feeling of wanting to express who He is to others is honest, and that gives me hope.
I'm starting to feel the relief and freedom of life after heartbreak. It's still very fresh and raw, but there's hope out there, now.
"hope at the end of the day connects us all, no matter how different we are"
Wednesday, 11 March 2009
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Currently
Pages
By Shane & Shane
Embracing Accusations
see relatedest-il fini? è rifinito?
"It is possible to live a faithful life in exile, surrounded by pagan influences and propaganda, if one sets one's mind to serving the Lord wholeheartedly." The story of Daniel.
I am so exhausted. Tired of this fight. Where's the strength He promises? The knowledge of the scriptures saying 'The Lord gives you nothing you can't handle?"
I go from doing so well to being back on my face in a matter of moments. I used to be able to say, "no 'what ifs' because God is in control of it all"
But what do you do when you doubt that God really is?
Yeah I know, basically the same post over and over again.
I went to church Sunday night and I seriously felt like once the pastor stepped onto the stage a curtain of tiredness fell over me. I couldn't focus at all and I kept thinking, "I'm just gonna leave after this. I'm not really paying attention anyways."
But I didn't...I stayed and prayed with a woman named Ellie. Once I started opening up, I just cried and cried. I told her about my fears and doubts and angers towards God and she just listened. When she prayed over me, she hit everything right on the nail. She said I had put these expectations on Spencer being my God-on-Earth and those weren't met.
She asked me if I had gone to God and told Him how angry I was. I said, "kinda." She said to just go into my own little space and tell Him. Yell it and let Him know.
I adore him....and miss him....and hate this....and don't understand.....and don't trust You.....and want this to be done. Finish this...
Saturday, 07 March 2009
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I wasn't strong today...and because of it I don't feel well.
What if...
there's someone else already? (Does that mean I am that forgettable?)
I lost something amazing?
UGH UGH UGH UGH
No 'what if's'...I can't do that.
I feel like someone with two personalities arguing with myself. Ridiculous.
This is dumb...where are You. You have given me no reason to want something different.
I am not this crazy, but lately I feel like I am. I am not this dramatic, even though I know I am passionate.
Thursday, 05 March 2009
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Currently
All I Can Say
David Crowder Band
see relatedStill At Shore
When pain turns to years
It goes away
A memory far gone
So bitter sweet
And sweet it is, it is, to taste recovery
The loss of my friend
And why haunts this hunger
To love him
My ship set its sail
A long time ago
And my mind has said its farewell
And my lips have declared "it's time"
But my heart cannot say its goodbye
Now it's only in my dreams
Have I been there?
His eyes so in love
His kiss so real
Now if only I could stay
And dream a while
If a dream lasts a lifetime
But why haunts this hunger
To love him
My ship set its sail
A long time ago
And my mind has said its farewell
And my lips have declared "It's time"
But my heart cannot say its goodbye
Say its goodbye
My ship’s set sail
But still at shore
My heart cannot say its goodbyeBut it will...right?My flesh is a toddler, fighting for it's life. Screaming at me and trying to scare away the Spirit in me. It seems unfair to have that battle waging within. My Spirit is patient and quiet...trying to be the still voice inside my doubt and unfaithfulness.
I confess...I almost turned away from It. I almost fed my flesh and its desires. I wanted that...I wanted nothing to do with You. I wanted to feel, even if for a week, what not caring would feel like. What making everything disappear would feel like. What spending every moment with him would feel like again.
This isn't me...why is it so easy to think it is? And why is this being used so strongly this time?
Where are You?Lord, did You see me crying.
And did You hear me call Your name?
Wasn't it You I gave my heart to?
I wish You'd remember where You set it down.
This is all that I can say right now,
I know it's not much,
but this is all that I can give.
It's my everything.How long must I pray toYou?
How long must I wait for You?
How long 'til I see Your face shining through?
I'm on my knees, begging You to notice me.
I'm on my knees, Father will you turn to me?
Could the maker of the stars
Hear the sound of my breaking heart?
One light, that's all I am
Right now I can barely stand
If You're everything You say You are
Won't You come close and hold my heart?
Please...
Tuesday, 03 March 2009
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Currently
The Reminder
By Feist
How My Heart Behaves
see relatedSomething always bring me back...
What do you do when everyone says, "Draw closer to the Lord in this time...He's always there waiting." Or, "This is just something you're going through to build your strength and perseverance. Think how strong your faith will be."
Why would God create us, let us fall, then kill His son so we can grow closer to Him? Why did God let that snake into the garden and romance Adam and Eve away from bliss? Why create a world where God wants to love everyone but there are some who won't ever get there?
These are all truths that I cannot remember what it feels like to know God is in them and speaks them into my life.
What do I do when I don't want to cling to Him? When I feel like anything I desire will be ripped from me? When I don't believe I deserve anything other than 'getting by.'
I really think I'm meant for mediocre life. For a mediocre relationship. I'm not Cassie or Bre. I'm not Michelle or Mandy...beautiful girls who seek after the Lord and who are so sweet and amazing that it just spreads to everyone. I'm not that girl who is naturally meant for...I don't even know how to explain it. I don't fit in to that lifestyle. I am built to be surrounded by 'the world' and I don't think staying at 'home' in church will ever be something I can settle for or will even feel comfortable doing. I believe I'm supposed to explore and be other places .
I was asked tonight if there's something I am not telling...if there's something that maybe I don't know I am keeping from myself and the Lord. I don't think so...I've been pretty vocal about everything. Maybe it's that I am still holding out hope for something I need to let go of. Maybe it's that deep down I feel like if I didn't care what people thought (especially my accountability) then I would say 'screw this' and go back to him...to that life.
But 'that life' wasn't horrible is the problem. I am so scared that I have been trained to believe and expect certain things that I am this 'Christian robot' who is just doing what I was programed to do.
UGH I am done with this. I am tired of being this rag doll. I don't know what else to do. I don't know how much more to beg.
I think my heart has thrown in the towel...
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My name is Tarah Blasi and I am an actor for the National Theatre of the Deaf. We tour around the country teaching children about deaf culture through theatre...check us out at www.ntd.org!


